


we think we're making our own way

by MegLynn



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-23 15:50:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/928327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MegLynn/pseuds/MegLynn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's not a man that likes to live with regrets, but he should have known that he would have ended up with some when it came to Andy McNally. Post 3x13</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written last year.
> 
> Basically, Sam accidentally on purpose runs into Andy, who is under, of course.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It's nearly three months later that to finds out where she is. He would probably lose his badge if they knew how he found out, but he really didn't give a shit, he had to know. He didn't have a clue what to do with the information, but a small weight had been lifted off his chest just by having it.

After the sharp disappointment the night she didn't show up at the Penny, he was pissed when he found out why she hadn't shown up. She didn't just reject a second chance with him, she fucking left. No letter, no phone call, text, a goddamn email. Callaghan was no help, the freaking tool. He was pretty sure the prick was enjoying this.

It took him a little while, but he eventually asked Nash about it once. Andy hadn't said anything to her either and it actually made him feel slightly better. She guessed that her friend had taken her place. Surprised, he had asked why she turned it down.

"Luke told me I couldn't even say goodbye to my kid. I refused to do that. I'm kind of glad now I didn't, as good as an opportunity it was, I would've gone crazy not seeing Leo after a week," she told him.

He had nodded at her answer, told her thanks and turned to leave.

"Sam?" She waited while he turned around. "You now why she left, yeah? Aside from this being good for her career?" He hadn't said anything.

"I mean, I don't know everything that went down with you two, but you know you hurt her. And she likes to say she's over it, but, you know, she couldn't stop talking about how so over you she was. So, I know she wasn't. She had more reasons for taking this gig then she'll probably ever admit."

"Okay."

She shrugged. "Just saying."

"Yeah. Hey, Nash, you ever need anything, let me know."

Something about that day was what pushed him to figure where she was.

Two weeks after he got what he wanted, another knot formed in his chest. Just knowing where she was, it wasn't enough. He wasn't so familiar with the area she was in, and while he had an idea of the overall goal of Project Dakota, he had no idea at all about Andy's part in it.

And that is what leads him to where he is now. He's in his truck next to a small park in the center of the square he was told she would be working in.

It had taken him a while to really form a plan for what to do with the info he had. His initial plan had nothing to do with coming up here to try and see her. But then it wouldn't leave him alone, some little voice in the back of his head, pushing and pushing for him to come here.

This is an incredibly dumb idea. But his urge to see her just wouldn't go away. And he's always been an idiot when it comes to her, he may as well own it.

So his plan is simple (stupid, but simple). He's just going to be some random guy out for a run. He won't be completely out of place, as he's sat here, he's seen a few joggers pass his vehicle. With one last minute debate with himself, he gets out of his truck, leaving his phone behind because Oliver always calls at the best times. Like when he was talking to someone about Andy's whereabouts. Great timing, that guy.

He stretches a bit before setting out at a slow pace around the park. He knows he probably won't last long, it's still pretty frigid out and he hasn't been on a run for longer then he wants to guess. It feels good to be out though, even preoccupied by thoughts of what he'll do if he sees her.

He tries to shake the thoughts from his head of all the things he should have done differently before. He's not a man that likes to live with regrets, but he should have known that he would have ended up with some when it came to Andy McNally.

After a moment, he lets himself try to count all the times where things went wrong, where he could have said something different or done something different. It's not long before he tries to stomp done on these thoughts, it's just no use. He has to take his own advice and stop keeping count.

His pace picked up at some point, and he realizes that he's been out for an hour already. He hasn't seen a sign of her anywhere, and is afraid to turn down the wrong street and get turned around. Last thing he wants is to get lost.

Telling himself this was a bad idea to begin with, he treks back around the park, still looking around for a sign of her anyway.

And then he sees a figure by his truck, someone looking in the driver's window. He's about to yell out something when he sees it's _her_. He almost didn't recognize her, hair was pulled up and hidden by a hat, her coat was pretty ratty as well, holes in her jeans and shoes that probably hurt her feet more then that one pair of heels she always complained about.

But there she was. She looks over at him as he approaches, and she looks so completely shocked he wants to laugh. While she's gaping at him, he takes the opportunity to say something, make sure they are 'in character'.

"Can I help you, miss?"

She keeps staring at him, like she can't figure out what's going on. Which he can't really blame her for, but after a moment she steps away from his truck and looks down at her shoes. Her voice is quiet when she speaks up. She sounds like she's put on some slight accent, but he can't tell or place it.

"Yeah - No, I'm sorry. I thought your truck looked familiar. My - A friend of mine has one similar." She nervously shifts on her feet.

"Oh yeah? Not the first time I've actually heard that."

She smiles a little, still looking down, away from him.

"You're not really supposed to park here." He frowns, looking around. He hadn't seen any signs saying otherwise. When he looks back at Andy, her head's up again, brows raised, waiting for something.

He nods. "Ah, I'm not from around here."

"You don't say."

He grins at her. "Just wanted to check it out, heard good things about this place."

She snorts. "I bet you did."

There's another pause. He had thought a lot about what he wanted to do and what he should do if he only just saw her. He never thought he'd be in a position to talk to her. He doesn't have an idea of what to say, especially in code or whatever this talk was.

"I should get back." She thumbs over her shoulder towards some shop.

"Uh, right. Sorry about the confusion." He waves at his truck.

She smiles again, wider then before. "It's alright, it's a nice truck."

He smiles back. "It's good to - it's good that you let me know I can't park here. I'll try to remember that." He puts his hands in his pockets, a little awkward with nothing else to say and unsure of what he is saying.

"Okay." She looks faintly amused. But she doesn't say anything else, obviously still thrown for a loop with his appearance.

"So, I'll just get going." She nods at him, stepping again to let him get in the vehicle.

"Have a safe trip, yeah?"

"Yeah, I'll do that." With his window down, he starts his truck up, and turns his eyes on her again.

"I -" He stops, not knowing how to continue in this code talk. He wants to tell her to keep safe too, that he foolishly misses her, that he wants to break the rules with her like they did last time. That he loves her. He wants to say it to her again, knowing he had been a coward to hold it from her for so long, letting it spill over only at the worst possible time.

He looks around a bit, not really seeing anyone around, but knows that doesn't matter. When she shivers a bit, it bolsters his decision.

"Your jacket doesn't look like it'll keep you very warm."

Her face scrunches up, probably wondering why he hasn't left already. "It's alright. I've had it awhile."

He grabs his outer coat that he shed before going for his run. He holds it out his window to her.

"Here, I don't really need it."

She's frowning at it, but gently takes it from him. "Thanks, I guess."

"I'll, uh, see you."

Her eyes snap up to meet his, some fear showing on her face. He shakes his head subtly, trying to convey to her that he knows not to come back here.

She breathes out and mumbles, "Thanks for the coat." They both know they've spent too much time at this, so she turns and heads back to the shop she gestured towards a few minutes ago.

Not wanting to sit there and watch her so obviously, he pulls away from the park, circling around it. He tries to catch sight of her again, but she's already inside, and a part of him is glad, they didn't need to attract any attention to their encounter.

His chest finally feels lighter again. He tries not to dwell on how this could have and maybe still will backfire. It didn't matter as long as he didn't blow her cover and he's sure he didn't. No one here knows him, he even got lost coming here, since he hadn't thought of looking up directions.

His phones besides him beeps, a missed call. From Oliver, of course. He laughs as he tosses his phone back to the seat next to him, he freaking knew it. He settles in for his half hour drive back home, making plans to stop at a diner for some food.

He's exhausted by the time he makes it back, even though it's early afternoon. If he were honest with himself, he hasn't been sleeping all that well for a long while. Not wanting to think about why, he throws himself on his couch, knowing he'll regret resting on it later, but not caring.

It's only an hour later that his phone wakes him up. He fumbles with it a second, still hazy from his short nap. The number is unknown, but he answers anyway.

"Hello?"

Without a greeting: "What the hell were you thinking, Sam?" Her voice sounds like a loud whisper, a loud, angry whisper, and he wonders where she's calling from.

"Look, I'm sorry, I didn't know I'd run into you."

There's a pause. "You didn't - you just happened to be there? Like it was some coincidence?"

He sighs. "No, I knew you were in the area. I - I wanted to see you, is all. I didn't plan to actually run into you and talk to you."

He hears her groan. "God, Sam, why? Do you have idea how stupid it was to show up like that? Luke could have been there, he checks up on us every so often, you know. Nick could have seen you. And he never would have shut up if he did."

He pinches the bridge of his nose, wishing he had a good excuse, wishing he wasn't such a coward and could just tell her exactly why he had to see her. He knows now why he hadn't thought about the possibility of running into her and having to talk.

"Where are you calling me from?"

"Shop's phone. I've only got a few minutes." Nothing for a moment. "I should have found a way to let you know I was going."

"I get it. I really do. We've um, we made a mess of things, yeah?" He shrugs a shoulder, even though he knows she can't see him. "Or at least, I did."

"I'm sorry." Her voice is soft. Sad, he thinks.

"Don't. Just, do your job, okay? Do what you have to do, stay safe and come home when the job's done."

"Can we talk when I get back?"

He smiles a little. "You bet."

"Thanks for the jacket, by the way. So much better then the one I was stuck with."

"No problem."

Silence again. The past couple of months catch up to them, and a few minutes on the phone, while one of them is under, isn't doing them any favours.

"Listen, I've gotta go. I won't be calling again and you cannot come up here again, you got it?" Her voice is shaky, but firm.

"Yeah, Andy, I do. It was ridiculous, but I couldn't help myself. I'm not - I won't do anything more, I don't want to put you in jeopardy."

"Oh. You - okay, I've really got to go. I - Well, I'll see you when I see you, yeah?"

"Absolutely."

She says okay one more time before hanging up. The smile stays on his face as he puts his phone back.

He has no idea how things will turn out when she gets back, but he feels better about it. He'll have her in his life anyway he can have her.

He wonders if it would be too presumptuous to get that dog he talked to her about before.


	2. Chapter 2

It's Nash that calls to tell him it's over. Andy and Collins were back after being gone for six months. She told him she hadn't gotten much from Andy, her friend appeared tired and had just wanted to go home.

He's disappointed he couldn't have been there. But he had been forced to take time off when a suspect he and Nash had wanted to talk to surprised them, tackling him to the ground, bruising some of his ribs. Frank made him take a full week off, and then, pending a doctor's approval, he could come back to light duty. He had argued with him about it, but it's been three days now and he still feels pretty tender, he can't complain too much.

He contemplated calling Andy now, but figured she needed her rest. He hadn't seen or talked to her for more then three months, he can wait a day. He doesn't want to wait, but she might, so he'll give her that space.

It's nearly midnight, he realizes, anyway. He hadn't been paying attention to the time when Nash called, so he feels better about his decision to give her a little time. He probably won't sleep well, knowing she's back in her apartment, but sleeplessness isn't a new feeling.

Twenty minutes later, when he decides it's time to try and turn in, there's a knock at his door. A part of him knows who it is, but he doesn't rush to answer on the occasion that he's wrong. It'd be just his luck that it's Oliver, the guy's been on his ass for the past few months. He thinks his friend figured out what he'd done and had wanted to make sure he didn't do it again.

When he opens his door, he finds that his first instinct was correct. Andy stands there, looking exhausted and wearing clothing similar to what she had on the last time he saw her. He wants to tell her to just go home and sleep, that they can talk later. But even as he thinks it, he knows the words will never come out.

"Hey." Her voice is quiet when she speaks. Her hands pulling at the ends of her shirt.

He doesn't know how to handle this now, so he crosses his arms and smirks at her. "So, you're back."

She stares at him, brows raised. Her mouth opens, but she doesn't say anything. He realizes immediately that this was the wrong tactic to use. He uncrosses his arms and steps aside, motioning for her to come in. Only hesitating for a second, she comes inside, commenting, so quietly, that he didn't seem surprised to see her.

"Nash called. Gave me a heads up." He smiles softly at her, trying to ease the tension he created.

She smirks back at him now. "Oh yeah, she told me you two work together now. Detective Swarek? Fancy."

He nods. "Yep. Wanted a change of pace. Not bad so far, for the most part."

Slightly amused, "I see." She gestures to her cheek.

It takes him a moment to remember the guy who took him down. "No big deal. Just a guy that didn't want to get arrested."

Silence reigns between them. She hadn't moved far into his place, stopping just a couple of feet into his hallway. She was fidgeting and he didn't know what to say now. She showed up here, so a part of him was expecting her to start. But he knows his greeting wasn't very encouraging.

"How'd it go?"

She shrugs. "Alright. Nick and I ended up playing a pretty minor role, but it was good."

He nods. "That's good. Good."

He feels like an idiot. He's spent months thinking about this, coming up with ways to welcome her back. _What is this?_ He can only tell himself he's just too stunned to see her standing in his place right now.

She shakes her head. "I shouldn't have come here. I'm -" he steps in front of her when she makes for the door. Almost desperate to make her stay.

"No, no, I'm sorry. I want you here, I'm glad you're back. I'm just tired and not sure what to say."

She keeps eyeing the door. "I guess I could have waited until tomorrow, but I didn't want to." She sighs, looking away from him.

After a second, she turns from him, heading towards his living room. He follows her, glad she's staying a little longer. The longer she's here, better the chance of him coming up with something to say.

"I'll be honest. I've had trouble not thinking about you showing up a couple of months ago. It was the last thing I expected."

"I'll be honest, too. I hadn't really planned on showing up," he laughs shortly when he says it. Andy tilts her head at him.

"Why did you come up?"

He pauses, wondering how to phrase this. He stops himself from making some joke about it, knowing he has to take this seriously but also not wanting to put himself out there again just to have her run away. Again. He needs to, though. He knows he has to if he really wants to put the hurt behind them and really try again.

"I, um, I was angry when I found out you left. Pissed off, really. I kind of got it that you didn't want to meet for drinks, but I couldn't believe that you just took off again."

She cuts in, apparently alarmed by how he's starting his tale, "Sam -"

"Hold on. I just - I don't want to say the wrong thing here. So can I - will you just listen for a second?" With a concerned look on her face still, she nods.

"I was angry but I got it too. Hell, haven't I been there? You just can't think straight and have to get away?" He waits to see if she knows what he's saying, if she agrees.

"Yeah. And it was good for my career, you know."

"I know." He rubs the back of his neck, still trying to figure out how to put in words why he had to see her.

"After a while, with Callaghan so tight-lipped, I just had to know where you were. I - I missed you, Andy," he sighs. "I'll just get down to it. I've been missing you since I walked away. I was fucking stupid and I left and I missed you. I had to know where you were. That you were safe, okay? But it wasn't enough. It never is, when it comes to you. So I went up there, to spy on you or whatever. And you know the rest."

She's quiet when he finishes, and he sees tears in her eyes. Now he's the one fidgeting, doesn't want to just keep standing there. This wasn't shit he usually does. He's never done relationships where he had to put so much of himself out there.

He's about to head into the kitchen for a little bit of space when: "Wanna get a drink?" She barely chokes it out. He looks at her, unsure he heard her right.

"I - I can't say what I would have done half a year ago, you know, if Luke hadn't told me 'now or never' for the task force. But um, is there any chance we can have that drink now?" She looks shaky, but more sure of herself then when she first came inside.

"It's pretty late, we could have a drink here." He gestures to his kitchen. "I've got beer. Or something stronger," he mostly jokes.

She doesn't answer immediately, looking around him. Like she's not comfortable at the thought of them being alone much longer.

"The Penny's fine though, if you want."

Instead of answering, she backs up and sits on the arm of his sofa. "No, here's fine."

"Okay."

He smiles to himself as he heads to his fridge to grab two beers. Going to the Penny means other people surrounding them, and he didn't want that right now. He has her all to himself after all this time and he doesn't want to give it up.

When he comes back into the room, she's looking down at her shoes, playing with the watch on her wrist. She wordlessly takes the drink he offers.

"Do you know what you would have said if I had showed up that night?"

He thinks it over. "Not really. I was just hoping you'd show up."

She keeps her head down at his answer. "I - that day was really screwed up. I held a bomb and you - you decided to one-up me on inappropriate timing." She snorts softly, looking lost in her thoughts. "Would you have ever said anything if I hadn't been in danger that day?"

He breathes out. "I want to tell you yes. It's why I said I wish you were in here," he points to his head. "So many times there were things I wanted to say to you and just didn't know how."

She looks at him, disbelieving. "You didn't know how to say anything?"

"I'm not proud of my lack of communication skills."

She runs a hand through her hair, standing up to pace around his couch. She gulps down half her beer. He reminds himself to pace himself with his own drink. He had almost forgotten about the pain pills he was given for his ribs, it's about time to take another, and he doesn't want to mix the two up too much.

"You're right, it is late." She looks sad as she says it. She doesn't follow it up with anything else.

He bites his tongue to stop from making a comment about her own lack of communication skills. But he knows she's had another long day and he doesn't want to push it. He's in it for the long haul and it'll take time.

It takes him a moment to realize she's staring at him. Before he can say anything: "Did you really want to get a dog?"

Caught by surprise, he laughs a little. He grins at her when he says, "Yeah, I did. If that was something you wanted, I was up for it." She smiles slightly at him. "You didn't like the name I picked out, did you?"

She finally laughs. "No, no, Boo Radley is a fine name."

He watches her, seeing her face lit up from her laughter. God, did he miss her. She's smiling softly when she looks back at him.

"Do you want a ride home?"

"Sure."

They're slow to leave his place. Andy takes her time to finish her beer, Sam carefully places his back in the fridge. When they make it outside, she pauses by his truck.

"God, Sam, it was so weird when I saw your truck that day. Kind of thought I was seeing things."

He doesn't know how to respond, so he walks to her side of the vehicle and opens her door. She doesn't say more when getting in, just places her hand over his briefly before getting in. He breathes in and out before shutting her door and heading over to the driver's side.

It's a quiet ride to her place, but not uncomfortable. She's leaning back in her seat, eyes closed. At every stop, he takes a moment to study her. Her hair's a little longer, she's paler then she usually is during the summer. She looks thinner too, but he's not surprised. He doesn't like it, but it's one of those things to expect when it comes to UC.

He knows she hasn't fallen asleep because she's immediately sitting forward when he turns into her place. She doesn't make any moves to get out though when he parks.

"I have a lot of sleep to catch up on and there's more debriefings tomorrow. But can we - I want to continue this?"

"Yeah, of course. Whenever you're up to it." He smiles softly, trying to let her know he's not going anywhere.

She nods. It's another minute before she gets out. He watches her as she rounds his truck to head into her building. But she stops halfway and turns around, heading back towards him.

Rolling his window down, "What's up? Did you forget something?" He looks back over at the passenger's seat.

"Can you get out?"

"What?"

"Can you step out of your truck, please?" She's motioning for him to get out too, like she's in a hurry.

He does and steps towards her. "Andy, what's wrong?"

She shakes her head at him. "I missed you too, Sam. For so long now. I wanted to move forward though, branch out onto a new path that didn't include you, and you know what? You fucked all that up when you just showed up all those months ago." He can't tell if she's angry or frustrated and he just barely stops himself from apologizing.

"Ugh, this isn't - I'm ridiculously tired. I should've stopped when I was ahead." She's rubbing her face, and he wishes he had not ignored himself when she first turned up at his place and told her to go home and get some rest.

He wants to tell her to do just that when before he knows it, her arms are around his neck and she's squeezing him to her. He grunts a little, the pressure on his ribs too much at the sudden embrace. She immediately lets go when she hears him groan in pain.

Panicked, "Sam, Sam, what's wrong?"

He waves her off, "I'm fine. That guy I was arresting," she gently touches his bruised cheek, "yeah, he _really_ didn't want to get arrested."

Still concerned, "I'm sorry."

"It's fine, Andy, it's okay." She's shaking her head a bit.

He puts his hands on her arms, rubbing them gently. "I'm okay." He pulls her to him slowly, wrapping his arms around her waist. She loops her arms around his neck again, lightly. He holds her tighter, letting her know she won't hurt him. After a moment, her arms tighten too. He buries his face in her hair, thinking she still smells the same, even after all that time spent under.

And then he stops thinking, and whispers, "I love you."

She lets out a sob, her fingers digging into his shoulders.

She pulls back a little, "You make it really hard sometimes, you know? To stay mad at you. Drives me crazy."

"I know."

She laughs at him, and he joins her.

He can't wait to see where they go from here.


	3. Chapter 3

After showing up at Sam's, she doesn't get to see him for a few days. She's been dealing with exhaustion and loads of debriefings, more then she had been expecting. And since that left her sleeping or stuck at the station, and Sam still on leave, there was hardly so much as a text between them either. She wanted to feel bad, but she was just so glad to finally have a day off that she slept most of the day away.

By five that afternoon, she's up and hungry though. She's hoping to see Sam tonight and thinks about calling to ask if he wants to grab dinner with her, but she chickens out, texting him to ask if he's up for drinks at eight. He replies a few minutes later, agreeing to meet her at the Penny. Pleased, she goes about figuring out what food she has in her kitchen.

At half past seven, she's a little panicked as she can't decide what to wear. It's fairly hot out, but she wants to wear jeans even though she is wavering over a pair of shorts. And she's stuck between two blouses and she's feeling pretty stupid right about now. It doesn't matter what she wears, she knows this. And yet, she's standing there, in her underwear, wondering if she should amend the agreed upon time to meet when there's a knock at her door.

Completely lost now, she scrambles for a robe and heads out of her bedroom. Approaching the door, she calls out, asking who's there.

"It's me."

Suppressing a grin, and forgetting her clothing dilemma, she swings open the door.

"Hey."

"Oh." He stares at her, taking in her attire. She blushes. "I came to see if you wanted a ride, but -"

She cuts in. "Um, yeah, that'd be great." She grips her robe together. "I'll just get dressed. Come on in." She dashes for her room before Sam can say anything else.

She quickly grabs her jeans to put on, and picks up both blouses again. She still can't decide and before she can help herself, yells out to Sam: "Blue or white?"

He doesn't respond immediately and she starts to wonder if maybe she shouldn't have - "White."

She smiles to herself. She used to do that to him all the time when they were together. If she couldn't decide on a shirt, or shoes, or a purse, or sometimes even underwear, she'd leave up the choice up to him and he'd always, exasperated, answer. It's a good feeling she has now, because he played along.

She checks her hair and makeup one last time after putting the shirt on before coming out of her room again. Sam's leaning against her kitchen island, taking stock of her place, a slightly amused look on his face. She takes the second he doesn't see her to study him, she hadn't taken the time to do so the other night. The bruise on his cheek has faded a bit, and she wonders if his ribs are feeling any better. He looks slimmer then she thinks he did months ago. God, he looks good.

She shakes her head. "Well, I'm ready to head out." He looks over at her, a small smile playing on his lips. "Whenever you are."

He nods once, heading towards her door, and opening it for her. As she's passing by him, he says, "You look nice." She grins at him.

Walking to his truck, she can't help but think that it's like they're going on a date. Except, they're not. She frowns when she thinks, they're kind of not anything right now. It felt so good up in her place and now there's this sinking feeling. Her own thoughts are confusing her and she's almost uncomfortable getting into his vehicle now. She's stuck with thoughts and doubts that maybe shouldn't be there. Does he think they are starting from scratch? Should they?

She startles a bit when Sam speaks. "Are you okay?" He's watching her, concerned, probably wondering what he's done wrong already.

"Yeah, fine. Feeling a little out of it because I napped all afternoon. I'm fine though, really."

He sceptically accepts what she says, and starts the truck. She tries to tell herself that she's over thinking it, but it won't go away, this nagging feeling that they're doing this wrong and she doesn't know why.

When they pull into a space at the Penny, neither of them make a move to get out.

"Andy, if you don't want to do this tonight, we don't have to. We've got time."

She's not sure where her sudden reluctance is coming from. Sam showing up at her place seems to be messing with her head and she can't really understand it. And now a part of her wants to plug her ears and not listen to the man anymore because every word that's come out of his mouth since he showed up months ago has made her want to forget the hurt he caused and jump in with both feet again.

She glances over at Sam, wondering if he's having any second thoughts, too. "Would it - do you think we're doing the right thing?" She keeps her voice quiet, not really wanting to air her thoughts.

He sighs, slumping in his seat. "What do you mean?" His words are measured, clearly hesitant to know what she might be talking about.

"I - I'm sorry. I don't know what this is. I guess my head's all screwed up still. It's just, when we were leaving my place, it -this felt weird, wrong. I don't know how to explain it." She can't even look at him, keeping her eyes on her fidgeting hands instead.

He's not looking at her either, she knows. She can see out of the corner of her eye that he's gazing out his window. She wishes she wasn't saying it out loud, but she can't keep things like this to herself anymore. Not if she wants them to make this work. If they can make this work, since she's already trying to put a stop to it, apparently.

"Was it because I picked you up? Was that - shit, I don't even know what to ask, Andy, because I don't understand what you mean." He turns his head to her and she looks up at him.

She struggles to try and voice what the issue is. "It felt, I don't know, normal, like before," she snorts softly. Like they were so normal before. "I felt like it was easy, too easy, for us to just be like we were."

He stares at her, puzzled, "That doesn't sound like a bad thing. I mean, we are trying to work this out, right? So we can be together?"

She hangs her head again. "Yeah, Sam, yes, that's what I want. I just, what if we get too comfortable and we start ignoring things or holding back, again?"

"If you keep over thinking it, we won't have that problem," he says it with a little bit of a bite to his words.

She huffs in frustration. "Come on, be serious."

"I kind of was," he mutters.

She glares at him. "Do you even get what I'm saying?"

Softly now, "Yeah, I do. And there will be moments where it feels like nothing went wrong and there will be moments just like this."

"And that's okay? You know, like it's normal, or something?"

"I think so."

She breathes out. "I'm sorry."

"Please don't be."

After a minute: "How about that drink?" He grins at her, nodding his head.

Twenty minutes later, not much more has been said. They've both got beers, Sam's still on his first, probably concerned about anything stronger because of whatever he's taking for his still sore ribs. She's nearly ready for her third. The most said between them since they came in was when Oliver and Noelle popped over to say hello.

Getting bored, she looks over at him, sitting so close to her, and she fixes her eyes on his bruised cheek again.

"Why'd you go out for detective?" Her voice sounds loud to her, and she wonders if she miscounted her drinks for the night.

He glances over at her. "Wanting a change of pace isn't good enough?" She laughs a little, bumping her shoulder into his.

"I, um, Jerry and I talked about it a couple of times. He thought I'd do pretty well and that I should go for it. When he, uh, when he died, I didn't think about it much anymore. It was Nash that brought it up again. After you went under, she mentioned to me that Jerry told her what we'd talked about. She wanted to see if I was interested since Callaghan was leaving to focus on the task force full time." He takes a drink from his beer.

She honestly hadn't expected that. He eyes her, waiting for a reaction most likely.

"How is it?"

Smiling slightly, "I like it. Didn't think I would as much, but, uh, it's good."

"Kind of a shame, though." She smirks at him.

Brows raised, "How so?"

"Won't get to ride with you again. I don't know about you, but I'm gonna miss that a little."

He doesn't say anything and she peeks over at him, he's staring at his drink. She asks for another.

"Is - is that a topic for another night?"

He breathes out. "No, no, I'll miss it, too. I just really haven't missed being in uniform, to be honest."

Surprised, she sits up straighter. "Oh yeah?"

"I think I was in a rut. Never really thought about it, didn't want to, till that one time Diaz got on my case. But being off the streets, I don't know, it's good," he repeats. "Feels right."

"Well, I'm happy for you." She wants to take his hand or something, touch him in some way, like she may have done before. But she doesn't.

"How about you? This task force give you any ideas?"

She smiles. "It was nice, to be a part of it. It wasn't what I thought it would be like, had no clue it meant going under, but even though Nick and I weren't major players, we still managed to get them the info they needed and it felt great. I - I think I'd do it again if given the opportunity." She feels more relaxed now, apparently shop talk is the key to calming some of her anxiety.

"Good, taking chances like that, it's what's best for your career. I'm, uh, I'm proud of you."

Her head swings towards him. "Really? I thought it pissed you off?"

He pauses. She feels the mood changing, again, and nearly regrets her question. After a moment, he shrugs.

"I was, at first, but I told you already, I got it, I understood why you took off. If you had turned it down for me, you'd probably end up resenting me and I'd never want that."

She bites her tongue, wanting to snap about when he broke up with her. And it's something that's coming, she thinks, but not right now. Not when she just wants to enjoy being back home. And despite her earlier admission, she does want to enjoy some time with Sam before they tackle the tough stuff.

She tries to stifle a yawn, but he sees it anyway. He chuckles at her, "I think it's time to take you home, McNally."

She shakes her head at herself. "It's terrible how tired I feel. I didn't think my sleeping habits were so bad."

He gets up from his stool, placing his hand lightly on her back as she follows suit. He pays for their drinks, she wants to protest but his hand is on her back again, propelling her to the exit. They give half-hearted waves to Oliver and Noelle on their way out.

Halfway back to his truck, he grabs her hand, entwining their fingers and stopping their progress. She looks back at him.

"You're scared, aren't you? About doing this, us, again." His voice is gentle, and she feels like her heart's in her throat at his question.

She barely chokes out, "Yes," when he pulls her closer to him, tugging on her hand.

"Okay. I'm - I'm not exactly the opposite of scared. But I want this. I want to really make this work and I'm willing to try. I need to know that you are, too. It's not fair to either of us to try and keep guessing what the other wants."

She feels her eyes sting and rubs at them with her free hand. She does want him so badly, but it feels like her doubts have formed a pit in her stomach that's weighing her down. A part of her is scared that they will keep pushing and eventually just push away from each other, for good.

But. "Yes, I meant it earlier, I want to try. I'm in this." She squeezes his hand. It's a risk she just has to take.

He smiles at her, relief obvious on his face. She thinks that pit in her stomach lightens.

When they get back to her place, he gets out with her. She questions what he's doing, and he tells her he just wants to walk her up. And there is that date feeling again. But she grins to herself anyway, even while feeling a little awkward. He'd never walked her to her door before, just to turn around and leave. They make it upstairs in silence.

As she's unlocking her door: "Andy?"

She turns her attention to him, waiting as he pieces together what to say. Instead of saying anything though, he cups her face, his hands gentle on her cheeks, and leans in to lightly brush his lips against hers. She breathes in, her eyes closing at the contact. He brings their foreheads together, his nose brushing hers.

"I miss being able to do that."

Eyes still shut, she whispers back, "Yeah."

He pulls back a little, looking her in the eye when she opens hers. "I have one more day of leave before hopefully returning to duty. You?"

Nodding, "Two days."

"Lunch tomorrow?"

Softly smiling at him, "Yeah."

He laughs a little, slowly letting go of her, her own fingers staying latched onto his wrists.

"I'll call you then, let you decide where to go."

"Okay." She reluctantly lets go of him to open her door. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He gives her space to get into her apartment, watching her step inside. He parrots her, "Yeah," as she does.

"Alright. Goodnight, Sam."

"'Night, Andy." He waits to walk away until she's closing her door.

She thinks that feeling in her stomach isn't just her doubts anymore.


End file.
